Round 9 July 9, Hampton United away: Up The Garden Path

This weeks Blog is proudly written by comrade Alan who being a ruthless editor baron has tapped all of our phones so we had no choice. Our winter captain girly man is off on stress leave. 

Just like the Doggies and Saints in the AFL, the APLTC revival in the Bayside comp (TV rights still available) continued last Saturday in eagerly-awaited showdown with Hampton United. Though not without some stumbles….

12.40pm : Dean to Alan (in transit): ‘Are we at the right place? We’re here – we think – but it’s all locked up.’

Alan to Dean: ‘That’s because we’re the ONLY away team that ever arrives before home side..’

THE BOLSHI CATCH

Deano practicing his Bolshi catching. Yuri boning up on Bolshi repartee

 Alan: Repeat after me comrades:
"WE shall decide what balls we catch in OUR country and the manner with which the balls are caught!"

12.45pm. Team all present.

Boofhead + Determination minus Mark = VICTORY!

Except for Skipper, of course. Who had mumbled something about a course (ha!) but will SURELY turn up sometime to support colleagues.

1pm: First of opposition arrives. In Porsche. Clearly a psychological ploy. It works. Yuri starts muttering about his Beamer NOT cutting it. Kevin tells him to pull himself together.

1.02 pm. Keys produced. Innocents from AP led down a lengthy garden path to time-warp courts and a clubhouse unchanged from 1950s. Yuri and Alan uncomfortable. They dimly remember 1950s.

2.15pm-ish. AP in control.

Deano and Neale sweep through Hampton United’s finest, 10-2. Neale has time to take shoes off. Which clears clubhouse. He and Dean kick back and watch Y and A labour a little longer but still prevail 10-4. Yuri keeps muttering about the importance of holding serve. Which is true, but ignores rest of the finer points of the game.

3.30ish. Victory assured. D and N have more of a battle this time but prevail 10-8. N less sharp than in first set but displays admirable fortitude in holding serve to LOVE to seal match. Dean, seldom aware of the score, wonders why everyone is shaking hands but is happy to accept victory. Dean would be awarded Man of Match medallion… Except there is none.

Meanwhile on adjacent court, the Senior Citizens (Y and A) are behind. Y, not happy, explodes “Why is EVERYTHING I hit going OUT?” Alan ponders response, but decides ‘tis best not to answer.

Meanwhile, Kevin, the sole spectator, has almost been lost under many, many layers required to keep out cold.

Captain still missing. SURELY he will come…

Surely they must realise the White Australia Policy has been abandoned. Are all suburban tennis clubs in a time warp? BTW is that BF Santamaria on that B&W telly in the corner?

With victory assured, A and Y make supreme sacrifice and allow HU a consolation rubber. Score is 5-10. Victory to AP 35-24 overall and another seven points in kitty.

4.15pm. Afternoon tea. A DISGRACE.

No gas in clubhouse. No heat.  No pies or sausage rolls for visitors. Who wait patiently for Captain to arrive and lodge protest. But he is still a No-Show. Fellow passengers concerned by Dean’s consumption of egg sandwiches.

Yuri, still brooding about second match, is appeased by elevation to captaincy, so he can sign scoresheet.

Compulsory photo taken outside by bemused HU player. Neale insists on staging a Captain-Catching-The Ball moment, but settles for a clutching-his-balls moment.

We just told the opposition that TV's in colour now! Hey guys when's "Point of View" finish? The wrestling's on!

Alan, who believes in truth in photography, refuses to cooperate and is deemed a bad sport.

Kevin wonders who the hell the Captain is anyway.

Then the lads make horror-movie-like return trip down endless garden path and return to 2011. And march onwards….

With or without Skipper.

Mario Milano's got Professor Tanaka in a sleeper hold!

Yrs A